This might be long. I can say that I’ve never felt this sad in seven shows. You might say that it’s a good thing — the directing was so good, Grecian cast was so good, writing was so good that I am genuinely sad. I get sad when I hear Sweet Child o Mine (no more Guitar Hero, I guess…), I get sad when I hear Double Dutch Bus, I get sad when I hear Summer of 69 (some song that I didn’t even know before), I get sad when I see white fabric (just kidding). Today when I woke up, I just sat in bed for a while. You know when you finish something that you KNOW was absolutely smashing and you’re just content? That’s me. But with a LOT of nostalgia. Acting as Zeus was seriously the most fun I’ve had as far as I can remember, so thanks to Tobit, Calvin, and Anthony for making that possible.
But where from here? I’m seriously thinking of coming back to LCC for another year.
But there’s a larger issue behind all this sadness. It’s not just limited to LCC, but LCC is certainly a part of it. I’m kind of a pack rat by nature, and I have the most random of things because I hate throwing things away. Something about sentimentality or something. In the same way, I have a hard time moving on. Couple notes on this.
1) Relationship — My girlfriend of almost two years and I recently broke up. The reason why it seems like I’m still doing okay isn’t because I’ve gotten over her, but because I know I’m still holding on. I still have all of the stuff that reminds me of her, I still have rabbits on my bed, rabbits on my wall, and if you’re REALLY clever, you would see that I still have a link to her blog from mine. In a sense…I’m fooling myself to think that we’re still dating as a defense mechanism against heartbreak and sadness.
2) Friendships — My girlfriend of almost two years and I will break up soon. Yes, all of LCC’s coyotes ARE my girlfriend. If you think about it, LCC is like a giant significant other. It demands dates twice a week, and you eventually start losing your non-LCC friends. Yay, cupcaking with LCC.
I know I’m going to hold on until the lactic acid in my hands forces me to release my death grip (or I move back to Norcal). It won’t be easy letting go. I’ll still want to direct and write, still want to play improv (hell, still want to RUN improv), still want to act, stage manage (maybe not as much…:]), but even good shows have to close at some time. It’s an uncomfortable truth that I’ll have to reconcile myself with much sooner than I thought, but for the time being, I’ll just savor the time I have left.
So please talk to me, all four of you that read this. I wasn’t kidding at debrief when I said that I was introverted and shy. I won’t make the first move to get to know people because I’m awkward, but sometimes, it just feels nice to be loved.